*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
You Might Also Like
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.