*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
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Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.