*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
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Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*