*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
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cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what