[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
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I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.