wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
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[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
It’s the weekend y’all
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again