Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
You Might Also Like
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Me checking my bank balance online.