Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
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You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said