wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
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Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.