wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
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12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Breaking news:
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty