WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
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If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.