WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
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We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
ugh not again
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Mornin
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period