WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
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Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?