wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
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her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
You learn something every day
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.