Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
You Might Also Like
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.