Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
You Might Also Like
Me, reading some of your tweets
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.