Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
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Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
I know this now 😂
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is