Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
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I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face