Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
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“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.