Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
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Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
when mom throws a party…
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony