Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
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me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games