wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
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Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…