wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
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Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.