Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
You Might Also Like
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.