Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
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what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”