Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
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Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?