wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
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olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing