Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
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[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed