If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
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Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Isn’t
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Thursday Thought.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
termite twitter scares me
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.