Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
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My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think