Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
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ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
The only good comments section online is on recipes
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
let’s discuss
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run