WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
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Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
I’m not proud
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.