WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
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No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks