Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
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the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh