Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
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*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND