Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
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REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Writing, She Murdered.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.