Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
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[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
just witnessed a drug deal
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Finally, an explanation.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?