WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
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Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Hmmmmm
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?