Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
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80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not