Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
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They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Coffee for people with no kids
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.