wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
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7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Roses are red, you always mattered,
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.