Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
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[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.