WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
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Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
peep davidson
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.