WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
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I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.