WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
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I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.