Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
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it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.