wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
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Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
☠️☠️☠️
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Bless you
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”