Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
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My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
What my back needs
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.