Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
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Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
I hate my earbuds.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!