Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
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Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss