Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
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Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Bread puns are on the rise!
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
No, YOUR illiterate.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture