Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
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Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Not all heroes wear capes…
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this